Mental Health
Having a blog and posting on social media is a LOT of work, especially if you do everything yourself, which I do. For me, it’s a balancing act between sharing and entertaining. I love to make people laugh but this is also a platform for discussion and I want to share something that affects a lot of people (including myself) but is often considered taboo and hidden–depression and anxiety.
Depression and anxiety are not the same thing but they often go together. Simply put, depression is a mental disorder that makes you feel very sad, apathetic, and lethargic for long periods of time… and anxiety is a feeling of dread, worry, and general uneasiness about a situation where you simply cannot foresee the outcome. I.E., they both make you feel like shit.
When I was about 13, my mom put on anti-depressants which… are a total mind fuck. You’ve probably heard of some of the more popular brands, seen ads in magazines or commercials. What you don’t realize, unless you’ve been on them, what they do to you. Meds like Effexor, Paxil, Lexapro, and Zoloft are SSRIs which work to increase levels of serotonin in the brain which sounds good in theory until you gain 30lbs, you can’t have orgasms, and you generally don’t care about anything at all. Not to mention any number of other side effects if the mediation doesn’t “work” for your body… like chronic diarrhea. I had that one. Meds like Klonopin, Ativan, and Xanax or “benzos,” are mediations you take as needed, to relieve the symptoms of anxiety, which are amazing…. If you can get a Rx for them which nowadays, is not….easy….at all.
On Thanksgiving this year, I woke up on the verge of a panic attack. For me… my anxiety can be brought on by lack of sleep, general nervousness, and being hungover, and it manifests itself as a pounding heartbeat, complete loss of appetite, and I generally feel very light-headed and like I’m going to pass out, burst into tears, or die. Even though I know I’m 99% likely to not fall over dead, I can’t stop the cycle in my brain and once I pass a certain threshold, it’s over. I bailed on my plans this year at the absolute last minute. I embarrassingly had to ask my friends to let me out of their car before we got further than a mile down the road because I had allowed an intense fear of the possibility of getting somewhere where I would be “stuck” around strangers, without a way out, to manifest to the point of bringing me to tears, and I was hardly able to speak. I spent the day sleeping, cleaning, and sleeping. I slept for probably 18 hours over the course of 1.5 days.
This is extremely difficult to talk about… but whenever I find myself in a situation where I do open up about it, more often than not, SOMEONE in the room or group can relate. Feeling alone and dealing with these issues, and not understanding or having resources can cause a lot of unhealthy self-medication. Drugs, Rx drugs, alcohol, sex, partying… I have no goal in posting this video other than to to publicly open up and start a discussion, and hopefully take some small stride in de-marginalizing people who suffer. Everyone has a bag of shit, and you can’t pretend yours is any heavier or lighter than someone elses…. But I know there are a LOT of people who have it worse than me, and who feel alone.
If you suffer, I hope it helps in some small way for you to know that you’re not alone. I don’t have the answers for you… I LOVE to meditate, and workout, and I try to avoid excessive alcohol consumption. This may work for you (or at least help) but maybe it won’t. And if you know someone who suffers, I encourage you to simply try and understand. It’s easy to feel empathy for someone when you see they have a broken bone. It takes a little bit more effort to feel empathy and to attempt to understand someone going through something that they can’t see.
Be good to yourself and be good to other people. And if you need help, ask for help. And if you think someone needs it, offer it. They might not take it… but I promise you it still matters.