GO GIRL! – Lesbian Shindig in Saugatuck
O-HI-O Sexy Babies… I have a secret.
I’m a lesbian
Last weekend, my squirrel friends and I packed up a car full of garbage food, enough booze to sedate a walrus, and swung by 5 Below for a handful of bandanas and pool floaties, and made our way to Saugatuck Michigan for “GO GIRL” a big lesbian, steel-toed boot, extravaganza.
CHECK OUT THE VLOG HERE:
GO GIRL is hosted at The Dunes Resort which has a huge nighclub, a pool, weird houses with awful furniture, and even woods where gay men go to have relations after hours. I did not go back there, however because I was too busy eating Hawaiian rolls and drinking grape pedyalite with our Great Dane in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid a hangover. Also, it rained all night on Saturday and I sat in our hottub watching a lady with painters tape over her nipples pass completely out for about an hour. I'm actually a little concerned with the amount of rain water she probably swallowed.
Have you ever wanted to entertain 20 lesbians in a pool? Give them a pool toy. I saw a $1 beach ball bring together the masses and keep them entertained for an hour and a half… which was enough time for me to have 4 cocktails and take a nap with Pedro, a fellow pool-goer. Spoler alert… Pedro and I did not actually take a nap together which I can only assume is because he had in his “invisible retainer.” Which I could see.
I came out when I was 16 so I’ve pretty much been in the gay world for... about 600 years. I KNOW how horrible gay men can be but I didn’t know what to expect at a resort full of cargo shorts. Everyone was very welcoming but I also kind of felt like Tai, some of these women’s gayboy barbie doll. They were all “OMG your nails, your makeup, your earring, your taint, is that patchouli??” At which point I was like WHOA... It’s sandlewood, Carla. And no, I don’t wanna meet your sexy, flashy gay friend, Suz. I’m called off work to come here to wrap myself in an XL Lacoste Polo and blackout, Jackie. Ok? I’m not your amazingly attractive visitor from the city, Kim! I’m here to dance awkwardly around my Asian best friend, while DJ AllTheWayKay spins and the cool Michigan Gays vogue and deathdrop one after another after another. I’m here to buy one round of drinks from the really large and pretty cool bar–with rude bartenders–and then sneak back home to take shots of Peach Tea vodka, Natalie. And I’m ABSOLUTELY not here to do cocaine.
I think the highlight of the trip actually was sitting in the hottub with my friends and the lady with painters tape on her nipples. It was so witchy and relaxing and kind of scary. It was either that part or when I tried to convince a woman I ran into in the mensroom that she knew my friends, her name was Barb, and that she was doctor... all of which were completely untrue.
She says.
Would I go back to The Dunes? Yes. Was the trip worth it? Maybe. Did I feel kind of like a superstar? Sometimes. So thanks for hosting all of us gay girls, Dunes. I will you my popsicle floaty. If you ever see someone who’s skinny-fat, in extra small bikini bottoms, with semi-long hair and a chipped front tooth... I would call the police. She’s probably a danger to herself and others around her.
I’m uh... really sorry, Doctor Barb... but I know that was you.
Also here’s a picture of Jaimee and I dehydrated and dead from doing waaaay to much coc... err... dancing.
